As I was walking from my living room into my
bedroom to retire for the evening, I shut off the lights and uttered the words,
"thank you" from a genuine place of deep gratitude for this day;
for life; for being alive. I was grateful to have been able to spend most
of the day with people: my neighbors down the hill; the boys
that came to my house for English class; the neighbors and their kids right next door (with whom
I took up coloring using the colored pencils and coloring books that I gifted
them); and Qadrubullo, the caretaker of the land. As far as accomplishing
anything towards my bigger goals, i.e., towards the business, towards some form
of financial freedom, towards marking anything off the long list of things to
do - I failed spectacularly. But there are days when who you sit with -
including the children - is far more important than another task crossed off
the list.
Or is it?
When the feeling occurred, it emanated from a
true place of joy, but as I wrote the above, guilt crept in and I started
questioning whether I was simply justifying not having accomplished anything?
Am I singing the "life is too short" song to try to exonerate
myself? And where is this coming from? When I was employed, I never
achieved the work/life balance. Ever. I came closer to it in the winter
when I would spend the weekends at buzkashi matches. But the rest of the
week and the rest of the year, outside of winter, was spent laboring in the harsh,
driving madness of work.
So ...
Am I wasting time and just making excuses?
Or am I, in the longer term, accomplishing the
work/life balance? Or am I now in the struggle to accomplish the
life/work balance? You see, it isn't that today was the ONLY day that I
have spent with people. Today just happened to be a day when I truly felt
the joy of it and gratitude for it. And when I was finally able to feel
the joy of that, as soon as I wrote it down, I started feeling guilty.
What is wrong with this picture? Have I been conditioned so effectively to an eight-hour workday (more like 11-14), where achieving or accomplishing is of more import than just enjoying a day being alive and being with people? I’m not sure I like that. Guilt is a joy-killer. A true, pathological, serial, joy killer.
Very thoughtful. Why the need to exonerate yourself from a day of sitting, connecting, talking, playing? It sounds like this day was as fulfilling as a day of work, if not more so. Think of your most fulfilling days—work and play—and now think about what made them so. My guess is that they share a lot of the same threads. So, what does it mean to accomplish or achieve? Yesterday, I was dancing with Willa. We wiggled to the fast music. She laid her head against my shoulder during the slow songs. It was a moment of unadulterated, intense joy. And I got it. I was grateful. Sometimes we spend the whole day playing—and I wonder if I should be accomplishing" or achieving more. It's a hard balance to find. But this year, more than ever, I am learning that life really is short. And we must do what fulfills us in both work and play.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing.